A Needle In A Haystack

As much as I would like to separate my personal problems and feelings from blogging, I understand that occasionally it will still resonate through the confines of the fortified exterior I call my writing ethics. For those who know me or care to know me, most likely already know what I have been going through. In what feels like an instant my world is turned up side down, by a tragedy without reason. I am aware that pessimism is no way to feel better, but when God seems unreasonable in his almighty plan it becomes significantly harder to live ones life. Depressed, unmotivated, pessimistic, alone, introverted, traumatized all feelings that once may not have been within my vocabulary. However, they now seem to serve as a majority of the words that would fill the pages of this chapter of my life. Most would think a heart could on break by an ex love, but the possibilities of heart break seem more versatile than ever.

This may be the part where you lose interest, turn off the computer, read another one of your close friends blogs, smoke a cigarette and forget that you kind of cared about what I am saying. Fortunately if you are still following these words there is some light at the end of that ohhhh sooo cliche tunnel. One thing has become evident amidst my pessimism, that imaginary reader is the value of relationships. Some may question the validity of this statement especially after my virtual disappearance from certain circles of people.

Despite this, the truth is that I have spent a significant amount of time thinking about the value of my relationships with people. You could say that an epiphany hit me this week and it is strictly coincidental that it falls on the same week as thanksgiving. So instead of using the word thankful I will instead use appreciative.

Every person that has been apart of my life is significant. I feel as though every one that ever mattered was essential to making me the man I am today. People often try to hard to write people off because they hurt us or move on with our lives when we lose the people who are most dear to us. Those folks that we grow apart from or lose touch with can still be appreciated, but do not run our lives or emotions. I can honestly say that while the loss of a friend can be the catalyst for grief but, it is not what keeps it going. A persons feelings are their own responsibility and no one elses. We can blame people for hurting us, but we chose to continue to be in pain. We can look to others for that shoulder to cry on but ultimately it isn't their responsibility to make us feel better. That same shoulder could one day be a completely different person, but that does not mean we don't value relationships we had with past friends. Things like love and heartbreak are strictly relative. Relative to however, short or long an individual CHOOSES to feel.

Recently, I saw an ex-girlfriend of mine completely unexpected. There was a time when she could shatter my entire world with the words she said, but now her importance to me goes only as far as what she USED to mean to me. Seeing a past love makes me appreciate my current love that much more and motivates me to see this one through to its potential.
If we dwell too much on what once was, we devalue our relationships in the present.

It is especially important to me to keep people around me that WANT and APPRECIATE my presence too. People grow apart and that's life, we build new relationships with other people and never take away from the old ones. Our feelings are our own and don't always need to be dictated by others. Losing someone dear to me hurts, but I do value the impact he had on me as well as whatever impact I may have had on him. I know I am grieving,b ut if I feel depressed, unmotivated, pessimistic, alone, introverted, traumatized its because I need to feel that way right now. I can either remind myself that these words were never apart of my vocabulary, but these feelings and emotions are just a work in progress. Writing this one chapter is going to be especially difficult, but hopefully the end of the book is worth all the trouble...

For now I'm taking a break from elevating masses and progressive mobbin and letting myself be Just Ray No One Special.